disability party

Last thursday, I experienced some kind of overdose on caffeine at work. It started off subtle and ended with me in a car on the way to the ER. Of course, somewhere in the middle, I could have been found doing a number of impressive things, like:

-screaming hysterically indoors
-crawling
-pacing around with my shoes and socks off
-gasping
-vomiting into my waste basket
-gracefully drinking water from the restroom's faucet
-whispering several chants for jesus to save me.

fortunately, after a quick visit to the ER, the doctor assured me I was going to be fine and that my condition was a common reaction to a mix of excedrin migraine and coffee. Feeling relieved that I wasn't dying of H1N1 or HIV, I went back to work to gather my belongings. Curiously, I found myself being consoled by co-workers that are (i'm 100% sure) bat shit crazier than me and the doorman that (i'm 100% sure) steals from our office..........fuck.

My boss then suggested that it might be good for me to take a week off to recover. Well, obviously, he's an idiot and naturally, I accepted.

I have since spent the entire time "recovering" by avoiding any kind of mental health authority, drinking vodka by the gallons, sleeping until 12pm, and playing beetle's rock band.

uncomfortable moments experienced at work today:

1. boss used bathroom and went number. realized this only after i sent out an angry e-mail stating that a "crude beast with no sense of occupational tact excreted their decayed bowel in the restroom." oops.

2. zipper was down during a video conference call. the stranger on the projector screen had to inform me. thanks for looking at my crotch.

3. during said conference call, I was called on and immediately blurted out "yes" when the answer was either San Diego or Santa Barbara. I only did this because I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy trying to decide whether to use my $10 dollars cash to buy another parking pass or an imitation rolex watch for my brother's birthday that passed over 2 months ago. i have since decided to screw parking enforcement and my brother in favor of buying a bootleg copy of the hangover.

4. I watched as the maintenance manwoman concoction had an argument with her girlfriend on the phone. when she spotted me, she immediately said she was fighting with her boyfriend. I guess Julie is a guy name, too.

5. had to conference call with a woman named kelly harder.

6. lost my fancy umbrella, had to borrow one. thankfully, the one I borrowed has an extraordinarily large graphic of minnie mouse on it. otherwise, what would I talk about in the elevator?

i have a client from miami who puts the word purgatory in party. not only is he lonely and open about it, but he's a raging alcoholic and heavy texter. because there is some kind of racist conspiracy going on at work, I always get the pleasure of picking this buffoon up from the airport. my night goes as follows:

11:33 pm: stumbles off the plane completely tanked
11:45 pm: relieves himself in a vomit bag inside of the waiting room
12:00 am: refers to several people eating outside as squatters
12:30 am: pleads with me to sneak into a men's restroom to smoke pot with him
12:45 am: has become quite fond of sending me several text messages informing me of his ownership over the city of miami (note: "mayor" has been variously misspelled).



Seriously, I think the only thing I can do with this guy is drop him off on a stranger's doorstep right before ringing their doorbell and running.

This year, don't dress as a slut, just be a slut.

Things to be for Halloween:

a trainwreck
flight attendant (dead)
adult panda dressed as a baby panda (my mom hates this)
pro wrestler
karl lagerfeld
drunk

Dumbest Conversation ever:

Alexis: just tell me. tell me I'm a bad dancer and I swear I will stop

Blake: i'm not gonna tell you anything until one of you motherfuckers admits I have a lisp.

Conversation with client:

Me: Jayme always tells me what a good dancer you are

Client: Oh yeah, I used to dance when I was kid

Me: No, I meant club dancing.

Client: Oh no, not since I quit taking pills.


and there you have it.

I keep having dreams where I am fired. I imagine it to go like this:

upon review of the internet cache on the computer in your office, not only did we find a shitload of adult material, but we have added together the amount of hours you spend surfing the web on company time and it comes out to approxtimately 4 hours.

but I can explain, my best friend...

We are well aware that there will be a certain amount of personal communication per associate per day, but your ratio is becoming increasingly more skewed.

but some of the surfing was work-oriented!

let us see...The Kills tourdates...online banking...updating several social networking sites and reading other's social networking sites...numerous google searches for "pet dandruff"...a daily log-in to eharmony.com...and you said you can justify these?

Well, if you look at your charts, you will notice I do most of this surfing before, during and after lunch. Studies show the productivity of an employee slows with less breaks. I'm taking as many breaks possible to be as productive as possible! I'm doing it for office morale. Give me a couple minutes and I will research this for you

Ah, yes. Your daily lunch "break" is another topic of concern. According to our charts, you average about 1.75 hours a day in lunch breaking. Our lunch breaks are designed for each associate to eat and perhaps run the quick errand. The average lunch break for an associate is about 45 minutes.

Is there anything I can do to fix this?

Please provide us with proof of all completed sales in the last 4 weeks.

Well..... do you think unemployment collection might be an option?