uncomfortable moments experienced at work today:

1. boss used bathroom and went number. realized this only after i sent out an angry e-mail stating that a "crude beast with no sense of occupational tact excreted their decayed bowel in the restroom." oops.

2. zipper was down during a video conference call. the stranger on the projector screen had to inform me. thanks for looking at my crotch.

3. during said conference call, I was called on and immediately blurted out "yes" when the answer was either San Diego or Santa Barbara. I only did this because I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy trying to decide whether to use my $10 dollars cash to buy another parking pass or an imitation rolex watch for my brother's birthday that passed over 2 months ago. i have since decided to screw parking enforcement and my brother in favor of buying a bootleg copy of the hangover.

4. I watched as the maintenance manwoman concoction had an argument with her girlfriend on the phone. when she spotted me, she immediately said she was fighting with her boyfriend. I guess Julie is a guy name, too.

5. had to conference call with a woman named kelly harder.

6. lost my fancy umbrella, had to borrow one. thankfully, the one I borrowed has an extraordinarily large graphic of minnie mouse on it. otherwise, what would I talk about in the elevator?